ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
