He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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