OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
