bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
