I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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