I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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