just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
