trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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