I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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