Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
