Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
