I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
