I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
