I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You are a genius and a whore.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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