He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
