I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
