I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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