How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
