dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
