Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
