The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
