I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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