I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
