Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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