The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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