thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
