I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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