You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Green mimosas i think yes
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
