My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
