Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
