i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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