you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
