I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
