So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
