the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
