Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
