I accidentally had phone sex last night
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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