i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
