he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
