So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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