Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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