I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She's not a foreskin expert like you
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
