Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize