Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
