you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
