Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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