I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
