nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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