My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
