Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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