my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
