Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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