actually, I'm a sock model
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
