You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
