We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
