smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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