Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
