you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize