The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize