just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
