i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
