Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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