Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
