This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
