i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
